CAN YOU TOP THIS?

Original broadcast date unknown. Presumably a Colgate-sponsored episode due to its mention in Joe Laurie’s joke. Probably around 1947, due to Ward Wilson’s mention of the show lasting seven years.

Syndication edit.

Emcee: Ward Wilson

Joke teller: Peter Donald

Panel: Senator Ford, Harry Hershfield, Joe Laurie Jr.

(conceit, speech, gifts, brides)

CHARLES STARK: “Can You Top This?” starring Senator Ford

SENATOR FORD: Good evening.

CS: Harry Hershfield

HARRY HERSHFIELD: Howdy.

CS: And Joe Laurie Jr.

JOE LAURIE JR: Helloooo.

CS: And now here’s master of ceremonies Ward Wilson.

WARD WILSON: Thank you Charles Stark, and good evening, friends. Welcome to “Can You Top This?” Like the army football team, we ramble on in our carefree, unrehearsed way. Our three wits do not know what jokes have been chosen until the versatile Peter Donald reads them on the air.Then they try to top them. They have no scripts, but rely on memory and ability to switch jokes to make them fit.

ROGER BOWER: And this is your host, Roger Bower. Peter Donald reads the jokes sent in by the home audiences.

WW: If Peter Donald reads your submitted joke, you get ten dollars. Then our gagsters go to work. Each time they fail to top your score you win five dollars more, which means you may win twenty-five dollars.

RB:  “Can You Top This?” is made possible by our fine sponsor. Won’t you please listen to this?

WW: Let’s get on with the business of laughter, provided you three fellows are in jovial spirits tonight, and I trust you are.

JL: Just in spirits.

WW: Just in spirits?

SF: Yeah, jovial spirits? Go ahead and let it go.

WW: Here’s the first joke of the evening. It comes from Mrs. K. D. Hassler of Burbank, California and it’s on the subject of something that I know none of you three are affected with: conceit. Don’t pat Laurie on the head, Senator. Pete, I hope we have something to be a little stuffed-shirted about after you get through with this one, so let’s try it.

PETER DONALD: Well, this is a story about show business, and you know, whenever two old vaudevillians gets together they usually talk about show business. Whenever three old vaudevillians get together they start a joke program, but this… In the old days there used to be a group of actors, vaudevillians that used to stand down in Times Square outside the Bond Building, and they were there every day. They had sort of a little club. We called it the WBL -- Waiting Between Layoffs. Sometimes it meant “Whatever Became of Laurie?” But they were down there one day. They were talking with a little cockney comedian who had just come over and he was playing Proctor’s 58^th Street and one of the fellows said to him, he said, he said, “Alf,” he says, “how is your act doing?” He said, “Oh, I’m doing fine. Oh, I’m pulverizing them over there. Oh, I’m doing wonderful. But,” he says, “the act that’s on before me, blimey, he’s had a time at that theater.” He says, “It’s the most awful thing. The poor fellow. His name is ‘Erbert ‘Arrison and his Heducated Helephants, the Pinnacle of Prodigious Pachydermy. Oh,” he says, “poor ‘Erbert. Coolum,” he says, “just after his first trick,” he says, “that audience broke out in ripe round raspberries. Oh, it was awful, and,” he says, “when ‘Erbert was all through with his elephants and went offstage,” he says, “them blokes out in the audience,” he says, “they ‘issed poor ‘Erbert,” he says,”Oh, they ‘issed him right off the stage, ‘issed him so good and proper, even when he was out of sight they kept ‘issing him.” One of the actors said, “Gee, that’s terrible.” “Oh,” he says, “it was awful. Oh, oh, they ‘issed him. It sounded like a steam fitters convention out there. The man was right off the stage. ‘Erbert had left the stage and they still ‘issed him.” They said, “Well, that’s too bad for Herbert, but how did your act go?” “Oh,” he says, “my act went fine. Except that right in the middle of my act they started ‘issing ‘Erbert again!”

WW: Well, we can’t hiss at that one, Peter. That was…

RB: 1000 for that joke, Ward.

WW: Giving Mrs. Hassler automatically twenty-five dollars, putting our three wits out for strictly laughs, and all three hands up on the first round. Eeny meeny miney moe, and we’ll pick on Harry.

HH: Well, first I heard of an actor that was so conceited that he cut his name out of the phone book and pasted it in his scrapbook. But there was a doctor -- a doctor who took himself very seriously. He liked medicine and he wanted his son to also be a doctor. So he went to his son. He says, “Son, I want you to study medicine and, of course you’ll never be the doctor I am, you won’t be half as good a doctor as I am, you won’t be as successful, but anyway, I want you to go to school and study.” So the boy went to school and he studied for three years, and after the third year, his father sent him to Europe so he could visit the big medical schools of Europe, and when the boy came back from the trip, father, very proud, said, “Well, how are you? How was everything?” He says, “Oh, Dad. I’m some doctor. I’m some big shot. I’m going to be great.” He says, “What do you mean?” He says, “You know that fellow? That patient you’ve been treating for years? Well, I met him on the boat, and I examined him. In twenty-four hours, I cured him.” Father says, “Dope! He’s the guy who’s been paying your way through college!”

WW: Well, you can go a little way with that one too, Harry.

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter.

WW: Tying Mrs. Hassler’s 1000, naturally not topping it, and I think the senator’s resting. I’ll call on Joe.

JL: Well, Pete… Double-crossing me tonight. Pete reminded me of one. It seems when you talk about conceit, you think about conceit, you think about actors. I have a short one. This doesn’t count, Ward. It’s about this fellow that was very conceited about him knowing all about Shakespeare, about the language of Shakespeare, and he always talked in the same language, and he had a girl out one night and he says to her, he says, “Fair damsel, I must leave you, forsooth. I am leaving you forsooth.” And she looks at him. She says, “How for sooth you going?” I like those kind. But the one I want to tell I think, I believe in all the years I’ve been in show business that every place that actors gather, they’ve told this story to each other. It’s about a conceited song-and-dance man -- a hoofer who lost his wife, and he meets his agent the next day and his agent says, “Jim,” he says, “I was over that funeral parlor’s at the service for your misses and,” he says, he says, “I watched,” he says, “Oh, I’ve never seen a man take on so and cry so, so dramatically. It was terrible. I just felt for you. I never saw a man cry like you did over your wife’s casket.” He says, “Oh, gee, that’s nothing. You should have caught me at the grave!”

WW: Well, I caught you at 1000, both on the premise and the joke itself, Joe, so that means a perfect round is in the making, I hope, and, Senator, it’s up to you to hit the ball on the nose too.

SF: You know, I had time enough to think of three.

WW: Three?

SF: None of which will be any good. Well anyway, here’s one of those quick things too. Two girls were talking and one said, “Do you like conceited men or the other kind?” The other one said, “What other kind?” And here’s another quick one. You like those quick ones? Mr. Sam Bunbottom said to his wife, he said, “Honey, you know, I think our little boy got his brains from me.” She said, “He must have. I still have mine.”

RB: That one made the top. 1000 on the laugh meter.

HH: You know, I think the audience ought to know, though, that the greatest line ever written about conceit was written by Oscar Wilde. He said, “When a man falls in love with himself, it’s the beginning of a lifelong romance.”

RB: All the boys will be back with another round of fun after a word from our sponsor.

WW: Let’s get back to the business of jokes once again now, and here’s one sent in by Mrs. Frederick Kaiser, who is a registered nurse, incidentally, and lives in Miami, Florida. The subject of this joke, and, all being married, you will recognize it immediately, is speech. Speech. So, Peter, you give out with the talk and see what you speak to us this time.

PD: Well, two Irish fellows, Pat and Mike, had attended the annual banquet of the Shamrock, Shillelagh, and Shlantywallager Society over the Innesdale ballroom and they were on their way home from the banquet, and Mike says, “Well, Paddy me boy,” he says, “What did you think of the banquet tonight? How did you like the Irish stew?” He says, “Oh, my. I think he was the finest toastmaster we ever had. The man was marvelous.” He said, “He was most intellectual and intelligent, not to say in the least redundant, but,” he said, “there was one thing wrong with the man,” he said, “sometimes I couldn’t quite understand what he was saying he spoke so fast.” He said, “He was going along like one of them whissht, one of those jet-emulsion planes or something.” He says, “I couldn’t understand what he was saying. I never heard a man speak so fast in all me life. What made him talk so fast, do you think?” Mike says, “Well, do you see, he comes by it naturally. His father was a tobacco auctioneer and his mother was a woman.”

WW: Pete, a little hesitantly, that worked its way up to 1000, flicking eight and nine hundred on the way up, giving Mrs. Kaiser a perfect round thus far with twenty-five dollars in the bag and our three wits out just for laughs and Joe Laurie’s hand was up first.

JL: Yeah, I remember the time that Senator Ford made a speech on the Lower East Side of New York to a Fathers and Sons Club, and when he finished speaking, after about a half hour or so, little kid come up to him. He says, “Hey, Senator Ford,” he says, “will you tell me something?” Said, “Why, certainly, young man. What can I do for you?” He says, “What kind of powder do you use to clean your teeth?” He says, “Why, Colgate’s.” He said, “Aw, then I lose then.” He said, “What do you mean you lose?” He says, “I bet my old man. Made a bet with him.” Says, “What was the bet?” He says, “Well, according to the way you shoot off your mouth I thought you used gunpowder.”

WW: The senator’s taking his bows on that one.

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter.

WW: Harry, I think your hand was raised second.

HH: Well, here’s one on speech that hasn’t been told in years and years. A lot of people are sitting around and they’re discussing taboos, superstitions, and a thousand and one things, prenatal influence. And one goof says, “I don’t believe in that thing they call the prenatal influence. I don’t believe in it at all.” He says, “Before I was born, by brothe… my wife… or mother, rather,” said, “was frightened by a broken phonograph record, but it didn’t affect me affect me affect me affect me.” Well, it looks like I was frightened too.

WW: Well, you got the whole…

JL: Got the whole family mixed up.

WW: Got the whole family in the joke, Harry.

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter.

WW: And for the second…

SF: That’d be the first time I ever heard of a kid being married before it was born.

WW: You should go with that one, Senator. Well, taking my cue from Joe Laurie, I suppose I should ask you to blow off your mouth or something.

SF: Mrs. Snapgirdle rushed into her… She’s a fast-talking dame anyhow. She rushed into her husband. She says, “Oh, darling, darling, look at this wonderful photograph I just had taken, this snapshot. Look at this photograph. Isn’t it wonderful? It was taken with a high-speed camera.” He said, “It had to be taken with a high-speed camera. It caught you with your mouth shut.”

RB: Up, up, up. 1000 on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: So now let’s get over to a brand new one and see what’s going to happen here. The next joke comes from William I. Lawson of Louisville, Kentucky, and the subject of this round is gifts. Gifts. So, Pete, suppose you gift it to us.

PD: Well, this is about Sadie DeKalb, the Brooklyn bombshell, and she got a job as a sales girl in the gift department of one of the upstate stores like the J. N. Adams stores, one of those chain stores up there, and the first day she’s behind the counter, a ritzy woman waltzed over to her counter and said, “Oh, saleslady. Saleslady, come here.” So Sadie says, “Yeah, what do you want already?” She said, “Saleslady, now let me see. Do you have any notions here?” She says, “Yeah, but I try to suppress them during business hours.” The ritzy lady says, “No, no, no, no. You see, I’m looking for a gift for my little niece. Have you any suggestions?” She says, “No, you see, I just came to work here this morning and I don’t know what we have in stock yet, you know. I’m still sort of a no-vice here. I don’t know my way around.” So the woman looked at the stuff on the counter. She says, “Oh, I know. I know. I’ll give my niece some of those lovely bookends.” Sadie says, “Bookends? Listen. Don’t be such a cheapskate. Give her a whole book, not just the ends.”

RB: Hey! 1000 on the laugh meter for that one, Ward.

WW: Sending an automatic twenty-five to Mr. Lawson, and once again you fellows are in a futile pursuit, and, Senator, I think your hand was upraised first.

SF: Well, the reason why I stuck my hand up in a hurry was something happened on Halloween night. I was over the Cavendish Club and Sam Katz the bridge expert had a package under his arm on the way out. I said, “What have you got in the bundle?” He says, “Oh,” he said, “I’m taking a box of candy to my wife’s relatives.” I said, “Assorted nuts?” He said, “They certainly are.”

WW: Well, it pays to know one’s own family, anyway, Senator.

SF: It pays to learn to play bridge.

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter.

WW: Tying Mr. Lawson, but doing you absolutely no good, and, Joe, how about you?

JL: Yeah, a woman was telling her husband. She says, “Haven’t you forgotten something today?” He says, “No, I… What have I forgotten?” She says, “Don’t you know we’re married twenty-five years today?” He says, “So what?” Says, “What are you going to give me? Aren’t you going to give me a gift?” Says, “Oh, alright. I’ll get you a little kitten.” She says, “A kitten? We already got a cat.” He says, “I know, but you can use a new puss.”

WW: Oh, really banging around here tonight. That’s…

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter for that one, Ward.

WW: Now, Harry, the responsibility of the third consecutive perfect round is up to you. Let’s see what you’re going to do.

HH: Well, a Russian named Ivan Popnikov, he had a little boy named Petrov, seven years old, and the boy took five violin lessons, and right away the father was giving him a concert. So the father bought a lot of tickets, bought out the whole house, and he told all his friends. He said, “This is a present for the tickets. Won’t cost you a cent for the tickets. You’re coming to the concert.” And as each came into the concert, he said, “Listen, boys, if he is good tonight and he’s a success, I want you all after the concert to go to the Russian Tea Room, and I’m giving a big free party there for everybody to eat.” So they all came, sat down, and the boy starts to play and he’s awful. He is terrible. And every time the lights went out, somebody sneaked out. Finally, after the concert, the old man is upset by this kid’s playing and he rushes over to the Russian Tea Room and they’re all into the food, and the old man comes in, says, “Didn’t he stink? Wasn’t he lousy?” They all looked up from the borscht and said, “We liked him. We liked him.”

WW: You were eminently successful, Harry.

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter.

WW: For the third time tonight, we have a perfect round.

RB: Another round of jokes will be coming up right after these important words from our fine sponsor.

WW: We’re off and running again, and here’s a joke sent in by Lillian Adderman of Chicago, Illinois, and this is on the subject, getting back to your marital status once again, of brides. Brides tonight, gentlemen. So, Pete, suppose you wed yourself to this one and let’s see what happens.

PD: Well, you know, I tell a lot of stories about Mr. And Mrs. Abercrombie Fafufnik. This is an inside story tonight. The inside story of their marriage. It happens to be a second marriage. This is all confidential. It is a second marriage. They were both married before. But it was kind of a tragic thing. Abercrombie -- he was married to a lady window-washer. She used to work up on the outside of the RCA Building here, fifty floors above the street, and one time she got a nighttime job and she decided to wear a strapless that evening. So anyway, a few months later, he met his present wife Daphne and they had a brief whirlwind courtship and they’re married. So after the ceremony she said, “Oi, Abe, oi Abe! My husband, my spouse. Oi, have I found a wonderful apartment for us. Aaahh, it’s wonderful. It’s going to be a surprise. Ooh, so beautiful. It’s got a sinking living room.” He says, “You mean sunken.” She says, “No, it’s a new house. This one is still sinking. Wonderful apartment has only got fourteen rooms.” He says, “Fourteen rooms? Why is there fourteen rooms?” She says, “Don’t worry. It’s a surprise. Don’t worry.” So they drive over to the new apartment and he got surprised alright. He opens the door to the apartment and six kids run into his arms. They say, “Hello, Mama. Did you bring our new daddy home?” She says, “Certainly. Now everybody be quiet like little Mickey Mices. I want you to meet the new papa here.” She says, “Abe, this is little Moey and Joey and Chloe and Schmoey and Fenton and Delphine.” He says, “Daphne,” he says, “these are all your kiddies?” She says, “Well, certainly. You know I was married before.” He says, “Yeah, but when I made the investment I didn’t think I was going to get so many dividends so quickly.” Says, “For goodness sakes, I didn’t expect this whole thing. For goodness sakes,” he says, “during the courtship, why didn’t you tell me you had six kids?” She says, “Why didn’t I tell you? Because, darling, I didn’t want you to think I was just a big blabbermouth.”

WW: Four in a row and par for the course, Peter.

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter.

WW: Once again that automatic twenty-five goes out to Miss Adderman, putting her in velvet, the same as our other three contestants thus far tonight, and putting our three wits on the spot once again for just lau… I don’t see a hand upraised. What goes…

SF: Why, we’re in a fine spot here. I’m going to lay off here for a couple of minutes, anyhow.

WW: We have a chance to equal the world’s record on the show that we set a couple of weeks ago, you…

SF: Record was established by ourselves, you know.

WW: Alright, Harry. Suppose you start.

HH: Well, I think this is kind of a newie. You know, Adam was created first, then Eve was created, and then after that -- immediately after -- the trouble started because Eve was a little bit sore that Adam was created first, and the teacher was talking about this to the pupils, why Adam was created first, then Eve, and she said, “Philosophers, historians have all tried to figure out why Adam was created first before Eve.” Says, “Johnny, I’d like to have your opinion. Why do you think Adam was created before Eve?” Said, “My father always says, ‘Never start with a woman.’”

WW: Just made it, Harry, by the skin of your teeth.

SF: Well, I know a gag goes in there that’s on the same subject of Harry’s. You know that Mrs. Snapgirdle I was talking about, that fast-talking dame with the camera?

WW: Mm-hmm.

SF: Well, her kid said to her, said to his father one time, he said, “Papa, why did they create Adam first?” The old man said, “To give him a chance to say something.”

WW: Well, we won’t enter that in the sweepstakes unless you want to, Senator.

SF: I don’t care. I know I just threw that in.

WW: But it’s a nice, solid thousand anyway.

SF: Fine, that’s where I’ll quit

WW: We might get a chance for a next one. How about you, Joe?

JL: Puts me in a great spot here, don’t it?

WW: Yes. You’re the one that tells the tale, believe me.

JL: Yeah, well, two girls are attending one of those home weddings and all the relations are there and everybody is there and this ceremony’s going on and everybody’s starting to talk and talk and then the kids. A lot of babies there, you know, and started crying, and you could hardly hear the service at all. So one kid turns to the other girl and she says, “Isn’t that awful? Those kids crying. Those babies, bringing them to a wedding.” She says, “Well, that’s going to teach me a lesson. Next week when I get married, I’m going to put on the invitations in the corner; ‘No babies expected.’”

WW: Joe, that was the solution, my boy. For the second time since I can recall. “Can You Top This?”

JL: Second time in five years.

WW:…that was four perfect rounds in seven years or more.

SF: Second time in three weeks it seems to me.

WW: It is, but…

JL: Well, Pete Donald is a good pacemaker.

SF: Yeah.

WW: He really set a rapid pace tonight. Well, on the strength of that, I’m going to call a halt to you fellows tonight because that’s just about all the time we’re going to have, but before we leave I would like to ask the audience to be sure and join “Can You Top This?” again next week, the same time, same gang, other jokes, some new, some old. Until then we remain yours for bigger and better laughs:

SF: Edward Ford

HH: Harry Hershfield.

JL: Joe Laurie Jr

PD: Peter Donald

WW: Ward Wilson

RB: And this is your host Roger Bower saying so long, and take care of yourself until we meet again next time.